I have now moved this blog to a new domain http://www.kiranspillai.com
I love music. I have been exploring music a lot since the internet speeds in India got better with 3G – nu jazz, electro swing, old school hip hop, bebop, psychedelic trance, punk blues and hundreds of music playlists.
I even maintain a playlist of mine – Music I groove to.
I have been thinking – am I getting too attached to music now? Is it becoming a major motivating factor for me? Am I finding it difficult to keep the headphones down? Yes Sir, very much so. I have a problem of addiction to music. I should work on this addiction.
I am thinking I will devote entire days not to plug in to Youtube for music. Let me get bored and see how life is – unconnected to technology.
Silence has been the key for a long time.
I just did not have the need to express the things in head, mind and the body. Well, the thing is it cannot really be expressed in words. I thought the answer is in religion. I have started following a little bit of Islam, Sikhism, Christianity, Buddhism and of course Hinduism in a major way. Same thing, different styles. What is the point of fighting and proving something?
The idea is jut silence. Silence of the heart. Silence of the mind. Listening to the silence of the head and the space that manifests within. What do we see with closed eyes really? What muted sounds do we hear in the head really? What pressure do we feel in between the eyes? Meditation and Medication at the same time.
I really wonder if I was ever mad? Was it something trying to show itself?
All my ideas are changing. I am changing.
In a spiritual way, all that I thought to be me is changing. The whole idea of my identity is changing. I thought that expressing the change was necessary. But, now I am one with it. I don’t have any real need to express this change. A lot of credit to Amma, Art of Living and Living Gurus on youtube such as Sadguru and Mooji.
I used to fight this idea within me. I am not able to do Math, Logical Reasoning, Critical Reasoning and all that MBA entrance stuff. I finally chose not to be a businessman. I thought I will do Electrical Engineering. But, that too is not necessary. I thought I will do MA. Let me see how that goes. I thought I will teach. I just don’t know what is what. I am just going with the flow and really trusting the flow.
The question of self inquiry comes up really. Who is this ‘I’ that I talk about? My mind? My conditioning? My ideas? What is it. The inquiry is on.
I wonder what is the whole point really?
The need to express, the need to produce some kind of an output, the need to exercise creativity, to be productive, to be effective, to be liked, to be admired, to be adored, to be loved, to be respected – there are a lot of needs in all of us. The need to rationalise – “I don’t work for the money!”, the need to justify – “It’s ok!” There are just too many needs in all of us.
I was reading the other day that the whole point is to become ordinary. To remove all the specialness from us. There is no need to be special. There is no need to stand out. No need at all to seek out the attention. No need to project an image. To get lost. To live. To be happy. To be ordinary. That is the whole point. How do you become ordinary in the first place? The earth is ordinary. The animals are ordinary. The plants are ordinary. But, they are all living beautifully. Living in Joy. No hurry. No nonsense. Just being.
I look at the dogs at my house. They are just happy to be. If you give them food, they are happy. If you pet them they are happy. If you speak silly to them, call their name or just ignore them altogether and do your stuff – they are happy. They are happy the way they are. Occasionally chase a cat, a rat or a crow – walk around the house – they are happy. In joy. Abundance of joy once they see the people in the house, what are they wishing for? Money, fame, game, power? It looks like nothing of that sort bothers them.
I look at my parents – simple folk – worked in government jobs, got retired, sitting at home – happy. They are not bothered if they made a lot of money or had people reporting to them or changed the world or any of that sorts. Whatever great effort we put in – it will make not much difference in say 20 years from now. The landscape would be different, people would be different, issues would be different. Things are all going to change in time. So, how does the entire thing work out?
Look at sports. Look at Tennis. Players working out well, putting in their efforts, doing the thing that they are good at – they are just being ordinary with the game. Natural at the game. No add ons. They do work hard to become simple. The strokes, the running – it all looks natural – like the hunter in us – like the gatherer in us. Or are they being extra ordinary?
It is almost 8 years since I have started working.
What did I learn from these 8 years? I have seen different kinds of people. Old, Young, bored, excited, tuned in, zoned out, optimistic, pessimistic, conscious, doped out and so on. A lot of them have had clear influence on me. I think all of them have had some influence on me. However, when I take the effort of looking back at this career and make sense of all that has happened till now, I get lost. Seriously lost.
What I wanted was an achievement based approach. What did I achieve, how much money did I make? How many projects did I complete? How many? Till where? etc.. However, I have not achieved anything at all. Looking at the masculine go getter attitude that I should have been sporting – because that was what was considered to be cool and healthy – I must have failed quite miserably.
But, something else happened. Something that people don’t talk so openly about….
I have developed some amount of perspective. I know it is difficult to rate a person as good or bad. At times, a highly performing individual should just stop doing whatever they are doing for the greater good. Think construction and oil business for instance. Think page 3 journalism. Think advertising for products that we don’t really need. Money might be good. Recognition might be stellar. But, at the end of the day, they are working hard to make people unhappy. A warmer planet, a consumerist attitude – what do we gain from all of that?
Think about being a teacher on the other hand. Something which is not considered very sexy after all. But, if students love you, if they feel they are getting inspired by your actions, they are learning something spiritual – something good – something for the greater well being of the planet and all its residents, that can be great. But, you are not coming in the newspaper or not buying a spacious flat in the most sought after location. You may travel in public transport and not eat at the choicest of restaurants.
There is a common notion – that which is good for the taste buds is not good for the body. Red Meat, Liquor, Weed, Smokes and so on. But, that is what the cool people have. Dal roti may not be the choice of the day. But, it keeps you healthy and going for a long time to come.
Now I think – what is wrong with ambition? What is wrong with name, fame, money and sex? Why can’t a career lead to all these things. I am touching 30. I wanted to be a millionaire before I touch 30. Repeat the great entrepreneur story and gather all the goods. Sadly, that never happened. I went broke. I never tried to set up something even. I got lost. I went mad. But, that added some perspective. I may not drive a cool car or have a cool house facing the ocean. But, something might be added to the kitty after all. What would that be?
Maybe in ten years time from today, I might have some answers ready. I could reply to this very post – I was looking for “this, that and that”. Till then it is search for answers again.
Nearly a year or two since turning this blog away from digital advertising, social media and such, I should say that I feel rather good. It is good to talk about the stuff inside the person. The perspectives keep getting better and bigger by the day.
I had decided not to take care of the way I look or present myself for a long time. I have started putting some attention into that detail now. Nothing great really. Just small little bits and pieces here and there. The man is as good as he shows himself to be. I guess it is time to get ready for marriage. Some bit of mating rituals need to be looked at. Not that I am going down the street hitting on the girls. But, one day I am definitely going to be talking to probable wifeys and it is going to be a bit challenging.
I really need to study the tips given by the image consultant. The colours, the contours, the cloth material, the accessories and all that do make an impression on people who see you. The art of manliness as they say.
I am now silent than ever before. Be it physical or online. I dont really have the need to express myself or record my feel of things like before. I just dont have the temptation to do that. It is making me stronger and more creative – at least the way I like to believe.
It has been one year since I posted this post.
“Now I feel a need to begin again somewhere. Let’s try posting a few articles, which are bound to suck a little.”
Now that I am back from the feeling of hopelessness in one year – thanks to some writing and this job at Amrita, I feel kinda refreshed. A lot has happened in the last one year. It has been some time of realisations and walking and new friends and new hopes and all that sort of thing.
I feel like Wow! again. Man! I came some distance.